BOARDING SCHOOL

There is no theory of child development that recommends sending children away to be educated and raised outside the family unit.

This is a paraphrase attributed to Nick Duffell, the father of Boarding School Survival. In 2000, Duffell published The Making of Them, the first attempt to describe the traumatic effect of boarding schools not just on individuals but on society, too. It took 15 further years of denial, with sporadic media coverage, for the late Joy Schaverien to describe what she saw as the psychological trauma of the ‘privileged’ child in her wonderful book Boarding School Syndrome.

Since then, almost yearly publications have come out in academic literature, news articles and celebrity memoirs detailing appalling conditions at some of the country’s top schools and the lifelong impact boarding had on them. Still the sentiment of the lucky few exists and other countries even send their children to the UK to experience the British boarding system for the best start in life. Yes, a small percentage of pupils may reach elite status, but the majority do not and for many, it is a devastating experience. How so?

Duffell suggests that children sent to boarding school develop a strategic survival personality. This is a set of patterns adopted by the child as a trauma response which is then stuck in the adult and responsible for their behaviour. The complier is seen to be getting on, they fit in, follow the rules and become part of the establishment. The rebel does what they can to disrupt, either going against the grain or persuading others to do so, but often ironically still ‘succeeding’ in life. The crushed are not able to survive the shock of losing their family attachments and struggle through life.

Common difficulties associated with boarding school syndrome include dissociation, being cut off from feelings and living in the head, partial memories of childhood and selective new ones, using addictions to avoid feelings, or to feel, such as work, alcohol, drugs and sex, never being the problem or accepting their part in things, inability to relax or switch off, a pervading sense of shame and being unworthy, co-dependency, being bullied at work or entitled and belittling, breakdowns and difficulties forming and maintaining relationships.

One of the main challenges that presents in therapy is total ambivalence to doing the work, as either they are too superior to admit anything is wrong, or too crushed to have the strength for growth. Ex-boarders are usually hiding in plain sight, seemingly on top of things but once big life events take over, they come to therapy for answers, such as divorce, death of a parent, or their own children getting to boarding school age.